


The Poet with His Face in His Hands

by RelentlessBard



Category: Actor RPF, American (US) Actor RPF, Canadian Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: 80s, 90s, Canada, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hair Kink, Haircuts, Love, Motorcycles, My First Smut, New York City, Non-Graphic Smut, Oral Sex, Road Trips, Romance, Sexual Content, Shakespeare Quotations, Slow Burn, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-07-20 04:55:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19986457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RelentlessBard/pseuds/RelentlessBard
Summary: A friendship with Keanu Reeves that spans 30 years and beyond, told at intervals of a decade.Each chapter is set in 1983, 1993, 2003 and 2013 respectively.





	1. Let Us Recount Our Dreams

**Summer 1983**

_Horns and shouts within. Lysander, Demetrius, Helena and Hermia wake and start up._

I stretched and yawned my way to waking. A light ripple of laughter spread through the audience as each of the four ‘lovers’ looked around at each other in confusion.   
  
As the play continued we were questioned about our antics on this strange Midsummer’s Night, but my Helena only had eyes for her Demetrius (in this case, played by a very young, floppy-haired, enthusiastic Keanu Reeves).   
Demetrius begun his speech and I leaned toward him anxiously, hanging on his every word. At last he spoke the words poor Helena had been waiting to hear for the entire play: 

_And all the faith, the virtue of my heart,_  
_The object and the pleasure of mine eye,  
_ _Is only Helena._

He swung his gaze towards me and I promptly fainted on cue, amid shouts of appreciative laughter. Hermia helped me back to my feet and I stole shy glances at Demetrius, who was now staring at me with adoration. 

A few more dazed conversations about our evening in the forest, our joy at now being sorted into happy pairs, and the scene drew to a close. 

Keanu spoke Demetrius’ final line, our cue to exit: 

_Why, then, we are awake: let's follow him  
_ _And by the way let us recount our dreams._

Our eyes met again, exultant. I held out my arms for him to leap into them, which he did with great aplomb. That earned us a huge laugh from the crowd, and I carried Demetrius off to our wedding. 

We’d practised the move many times and it honestly wasn’t hard - Keanu held most of his own weight in his arms as he clasped them tightly around my neck. The only problem was I couldn’t see very well as I pranced towards the exit.   
Luck was not with me this time. One of the fairies had lost a shimmering wing earlier in the play, and it had apparently been forgotten. That is until I slipped on the sheer material and sent Keanu flying across the stage.   
The audience’s laughter was suddenly hushed. I was stunned for a moment but quickly recovered, leaping to my feet and holding a hand out to a slightly dishevelled Demetrius. 

“Methinks I am awake now,” I improvised, shaking my head and blinking, at which the audience laughed and applauded. Keanu and I joined hands and frolicked backstage, collapsing in silent giggles as soon as we were off. 

“Shit, I thought it was all over,” Keanu whispered. “Perfect recovery line though!”   
We softly high-fived and raced into the change rooms to switch costumes for our final scene of the play. It was a pretty easy one - the lovers basically get to sit back, enjoy their wedding feast, and watch the hilariously exaggerated performance of the ‘Mechanicals’. 

It was a brilliant show that night - everything we could ask for in the last performance of the season. Later, at the cast party, I found Keanu and gave him a huge hug. 

“Well you did it! Your first show with the company!”   
“That was the most fun I’ve had off the ice,” he told me, grinning hugely.   
“Yeah cool, hockey and stuff,” I mumbled, “ _Sportsball_ eh?”   
“Sports _puck_ ,” he corrected, knuckling my hair. 

I ducked away and tried to reach his hair to mess it up but he was just too tall. He started laughing at me and I aimed a poke at his belly instead. He jumped back slightly to avoid my fingers and I conceded defeat.   
“Whatever man.” 

As I turned away in fake disgust Keanu suddenly scooped me up into his arms from behind.   
“I’m tired of you carrying me around - you’re gonna be the helpless maiden for a bit now,” he growled.   
“Hey that’s fine with me.” I exclaimed, “To the drinks table, good sir!” 

Once the party was in full swing I decided it was safe to get out my guitar. I loved jamming but without a bit of alcoholic assistance I was pretty shy about singing in public. 

I plugged in to one of the little stage amps and sat in the middle of the empty set strumming the opening riff to Ziggy Stardust. I’d barely made it through the first verse before Keanu and a few other kids from the cast wandered over to join in. We sang in our best British accents with the crazy enthusiasm that only a bunch of drama nerds can truly summon. We’d just finished a kick-ass run of a show, we were all together and (for the run of the play at least) we had become a family. It’s a pretty heady feeling and one that’s hard to beat. Coupled of course with the knowledge that after tonight we might all go our separate ways and the dynamic would never be quite the same again. It made for a wild night for some, melancholic for others. 

I flowed out of Ziggy into Rebel Rebel, which was also met with a loud chorus of singing, before rounding off the Bowie medley with my all time favourite, Under Pressure. By this point the whole party had joined us on the stage. 

It’s pretty hard (or, shall we say, impossible) to make that song work by yourself, and when it came time for Freddie’s solo I was so focused on singing that I stopped playing entirely. Keanu slipped the guitar out of my hands and roughly picked up the chords. I put my heart and soul into that wicked high note, screaming my way up and nailing it with all the energy I possessed. Everyone cheered loudly and I floated on deep satisfaction as the song ground to a messy halt and Keanu met my eyes, laughing appreciatively.

Keanu kept ahold of the guitar and took things down a notch with a slow cover of Joy Division. He wasn’t the best guitarist, or the best singer, but there was something hypnotic about how focused and quiet he got when he was concentrating.

 _Love, love will tear us apart again  
_ _Love, love will tear us apart again_

Keanu sang solemnly in a dusky baritone, and I lay across one of the fairies’ pillows to watch him, sipping red wine and half falling asleep. Keanu’s messy hair fell across his eyes as he played, his fingers slightly hesitant on the strings, and for the length of the song I was almost in love with him. Then the song finished and he launched into an absolutely absurd Rock the Kasbah, someone started drumming on the stage, and I was too busy laughing at everyone’s dancing to think about it any more.

Much later, so late it was almost dawn, we all found ourselves lying on the grass outside the theatre. The air was still and warm despite the hour, and ‘Hermia and Lysander’ were making out noisily somewhere behind my head. I tipped my head back to look at them and cracked up laughing. 

Keanu came log-rolling over the grass towards me and I cracked up at that too.   
“Oh man, I think I just collected half a ton of grass seeds in my shirt,” he complained.   
“What the heck are you doing, doofus?” I giggled.   
“Doofus? Who says doofus these days?”  
“Well it’s the perfect word for you.”  
“Let’s just lay here and enjoy the stars, shall we?” Keanu huffed, and we turned our faces up to gaze at the few faint stars visible over Toronto.

“This sucks,” Keanu muttered a second later.  
We dissolved into a mess of giggles.  
“What do you mean? Those three stars are so beautiful,” I snorted, and that set us off again.

After a few deep breaths we calmed down and I moved so my head was resting on Keanu’s belly.

“Hey I really like your voice,” Keanu said suddenly.  
I was quietly pleased but I just said, “Yours too.”  
“Sure,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “It’s ok, I don’t have any ambitions in that department. But how about you – are you going to do musical theatre?”  
“Nah,” I sighed. “I don’t know what to do honestly. I love everything and I’m interested in everything but nothing that pays the bills. Can’t I just move to Europe and be a dirty bohemian?”  
“Hell yes. I will join you on that. Want to go next year?” he offered.

I turned to look at him, not sure if he was serious.  
“Um, I mean I have a couple of years of school left…”  
“You’re already far smarter than your teachers. Your writing is brilliant and you don’t need school to be a dirty bohemian.”  
“That’s true. Just red wine and ink stained fingers and cholera.”  
Keanu snorted.

“You can be the next Rimbaud,” he said, “Writing dirty sonnets in Latin and telling your teachers they’re full of shit and then moving to Paris to drown yourself in debauchery.”  
“Sounds perfect,” I murmured dreamily. “What are you going to do?”  
“I’m going to play Hamlet,” he said immediately. “And move to Hollywood. And live alone in a cave for a while. And play hockey professionally. And design the greatest motorbike on earth.”  
“Yeah, I can see you doing all that actually.”

Keanu smiled. “But yeah, acting for sure. One hundred percent.”  
“I wish I was that sure about anything,” I muttered.   
We lay there in silence for a while, just breathing, and must have drifted off to sleep.

I woke suddenly to the spattering of rain drops on my eyelids and the sight of everyone leaping up to run back into the theatre.  
“I guess the party’s over,” I said, grinning at Keanu, and he grabbed my hand and pulled me along as we ran for cover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! This is my first fic and I'm pretty excited to share it with you all. 
> 
> I have tried to keep the main facts of Keanu's life as accurate as possible, except of course for this original character. The O/C is vague enough that we can all enjoy a bit of wish fulfilment, but I did decide to avoid the "Y/N" convention as personally it tends to distract me from the story. 
> 
> I'm an Aussie so yes, my spelling follows the British system. Maybe some of the slang I've used is not exactly Canadian/American either - though I tried to research it as much as possible, particularly for which words were in use in certain decades. Fun fact - the high-five only made an appearance in the late 70s! 
> 
> This fic came about because it's the Year of Keanu, but also because I think a lot of us would just love to see him with someone wonderful. In my case, I'd love to see him with someone he's known and trusted for a long time. This is one version of that story.


	2. A Sensible Haircut

**August 1993**

I knocked on Keanu’s door again, impatient. This was my last day in town and I didn’t want to waste it standing outside someone’s door.  
“Keanu, get your ass out here or I’m leaving to go sightseeing!”   
I sighed and lifted the doormat. Surely he wouldn’t – he would. On his way to becoming one of the hottest new talents in Hollywood and he was still leaving a key out. 

I closed the door behind me and looked around. “Keanu, seriously, I did have things to do today.”  
“Up here!”   
His muffled voice was coming from somewhere up the stairs. I huffed my way to the second floor, annoyed.   
“I brought my Polaroid - where are you anyway?” I yelled.   
“In the bathroom!” came his reply.   
“What?”  
I pushed open the bathroom door, ready to lecture him.   
“Ke, if this is one of your weird stunts, I really don’t... oh my god.”

There was my friend, standing in front of the mirror in nothing but boxers, an electric razor in his hand. The other hand was already lifting his shoulder-length black hair up and to the side. I may have yelped a little bit.   
That got his attention. Keanu turned to me with a huge goofy grin and put the razor down.   
“Hey, you got here just in time!”   
He pulled me in tight for a hug and then leaned back to laugh at the look on my face. 

“Thanks for bringing your camera. I have no idea what happened to mine but I thought this might be worth documenting.”   
“Um, Ke, quick question. WHAT are you doing?”   
“Isn’t it obvious?” He grinned and lifted the razor again. “Let’s get a _before_ shot of this!” 

“Wait, wait,” I was stumbling over my words and I wasn’t entirely sure why.  
“Keanu,” I started again, “Aren’t you under contract for that new film - something about a bus? Doesn’t your agent need to know if you suddenly decide to _shave your head_?” 

“Ah but that’s the beauty of it!” Keanu’s eyes were laughing and he looked exactly like he did a decade earlier when we were just crazy kids doing theatre together.   
“The director wants my character to have a _sensible_ haircut. I haven’t had a sensible haircut in my life. Let alone on screen. Now’s the time, baby! At the ripe old age of 29!”   
I had to laugh at that. Keanu’s energy was infectious and I was starting to get giddy myself. 

“Seriously though, I put a lot of thought into it. He’s a no-nonsense L.A. cop, in service of the people - I think he should have a buzz cut. Say goodbye to this bohemian mess!”  
A buzz cut. I swallowed hard.   
“I like the bohemian mess,” I mumbled. 

Keanu spun over to me for a second, grasping my arms, his deep brown eyes suddenly inches from mine as he whispered, “Trust me.”   
I caught my breath but just like that the movie star was gone - he could turn it off as quickly as turn it on - and my silly friend was back, posing in front of the mirror like a hyperactive teenager. 

I was out of arguments, and I could hardly tell him not to cut it because I had a bit of a thing for his long hair. That would have earned me at least a lifetime of teasing.   
I breathed out sharply and held up my camera, “Alright kid, let’s do this.” 

I snapped a picture as he posed with the clippers in one hand, flipping the bird with the other. I took the Polaroid out and shook it as Keanu pulled me in to the frame. “Here, let’s get one together!” He turned the camera around and we both stuck our tongues out. Signature move. 

I stepped back into position and raised the camera to my eye. Keanu picked up the electric razor again and grabbed a full handful of hair. He placed the blade right against his scalp and I saw a flicker of hesitation in his eyes.   
Then the razor roared to life and a thick chunk of shiny hair fell to the bathroom floor.   
I snapped a picture as Keanu surveyed himself in the mirror with a slightly alarmed expression.   
I lowered the camera. 

“Wait a second, what number have you set the guard to?”   
“Ummmmm I don’t exactly know!”   
“Oh lord. Show me that!”   
I put the camera down and grabbed the clippers. “Alright, number 2 it is. I hope you want it damn short.” 

Keanu turned to me sheepishly. “Could you help me? I’ve never done this before. Well I’ve never done it _properly_ before.”   
I couldn’t stop a wry grin from making its way to my face. “You know, sometimes you really are ridiculous!”   
“Ah, but that’s why you love me!” Keanu batted his eyelashes ridiculously at me and I knew he would get whatever he wanted.   
“Alright alright, but you’ll have to sit down. You’re too tall for me to reach way up there!” 

Keanu grabbed a chair from another room and made himself comfortable. I couldn’t resist running my fingers through the rest of his silky hair before getting started.   
“Hey what are you doing back there?” he asked quietly.   
“Just saying goodbye. We’ve performed a lot of shows together, this hair and I,” I joked, trying to distract both Keanu and myself from the fact that my heart was pounding a little bit.   
“That is quite understandable. Sometimes I think you get on better with the hair than you do with me,” Keanu teased.   
“Very true, it is always perfectly in character.”   
Keanu gave me a lopsided grin and nodded. “Alright, I’m ready!”   
I steeled myself and took a small section of his hair in my hands, switched on the razor and got to work. 

As curtains of Keanu’s lush hair fell to the floor, I tried to concentrate only on doing a good job. My negligible hair dressing skills could end up on film, after all!  
I held Keanu’s head firmly but gently in place, tilting it as needed, and concentrated on the rhythmic whirring of the blades as more and more of his long locks met the cold tiles. 

About halfway through I looked up to find him watching me curiously in the mirror. Our eyes met for a second and I clicked off the razor.   
“What’s up?” I asked softly.   
He just smiled. “All good, keep going.” But his eyes were still on me, thoughtful.   
I ignored the growing heat in my face and turned back to my task. 

As the humming razor glided across Keanu’s scalp, he shivered a little, but when our eyes met again, his held a warm merry glow. I grinned back and raised my eyebrows at him with a mad expression - what the heck are we doing? 

A minute later I shaved off the last few pieces of what was Keanu’s trademark hair. I sighed as I put the razor down and checked that everything was even.   
I studied the hair scattered across the floor and felt a stab of regret. “So shall we hold a funeral for this dearly departed mop, or...”  
“Wow,” Keanu whispered.   
I jerked my head up at that and he was staring at himself in the mirror, looking slightly stunned. 

Concerned, I moved to survey my work from the front and was suddenly overwhelmed. Without all that hair, his striking face was completely unhidden, his cheekbones and jawline and dark feline eyes on full display. Fuck, those eyes had always been pretty hard to deal with. Now they were impossible. 

I swallowed. Keanu seemed older somehow, more capable. His lean but strong physique stood out in clean lines uninterrupted by messy, boyish hair. I knew he’d been training for this new film, but now I noticed the rippling of muscle in his chest, his toned arms. His smooth, tan skin seemed to glisten, even in the harsh lighting of the bathroom. 

It really threw me. Apart from the odd moment or two, I’d honestly always felt more like Keanu’s sister than anything else. Now I felt... let’s just say decidedly _not_ like his sister. 

He was giving me an odd look and I realised I’d been staring. I was suddenly very aware he was only wearing boxer shorts.   
“Ok, let’s get those edges tidied up,” I said hastily, removing the clipper guard. Somehow I would do my best to fade what was already a very short cut. 

Something in the air had changed but I got to work determinedly shaping the edges of the haircut, trying not to think about the sudden throbbing between my legs. Trying not to think about running my fingers across his smooth skin and taut muscles. Oh dear, this was getting out of hand. 

I trimmed the fine hairs at the edges of Keanu’s face and then along the back of his neck. I could see goosebumps starting to form on his neck as I brushed away the stray hairs, but told myself it was likely due to the gentle vibration of the clippers. 

I finished shaping and ran my fingers over his hair. It was still soft, but bristly under my hand. Something about it was a huge turn on, and I couldn’t stop myself from massaging his head just a little. That’s something hairdressers do, right? He leaned back into the pressure of my fingers and made a soft, deep murmur of pleasure. That woke me from my apparent trance. I gave his hair one last brush over and aimed to sound flippant. 

“Alrighty, you’re all done!”

I turned to pick up the Polaroid again but Keanu caught my hand up in his.   
“Thank you,” he said solemnly, and I realised his mood had darkened. He could flip pretty quickly sometimes. I hesitated and then matched his formal tone.   
“You’re very welcome Keanu. I hope it’s what you’re after.”   
“Absolutely,” he said, turning to the mirror with an incredulous look and running a hand over his short brush of hair.   
“I know exactly who Jack Traven is now. It’s perfect, thank you.”   
So polite. I tried to steady my breathing. 

“Well, here’s the _after_ shot,” I said casually, lifting the Polaroid to my eye once more. He gazed straight down the lens, unapologetically smouldering at me. I clicked the shutter and stared back at him. 

“Now don’t do that, it’s not fair,” I complained.   
“Do what?” Keanu caught my arm to stop me leaving the bathroom.   
“Don’t turn back into that movie star guy... I don’t really know him...” I let my mumbling trail off, aware I wasn’t making much sense.   
Keanu just raised an eyebrow at me. I felt ridiculous and crossed my arms over my chest.   
“Never mind. I’ll um... I’ll catch you later,” I stumbled. “I’ve got to get back to uh my... thing...” 

And suddenly Keanu was right in front of me, the energy between us charged.   
He hesitated for a second before running his fingers softly down the length of my crossed arms. I shivered, letting my arms fall open at his touch. He smiled at that, a sudden light in his eyes. I took a step towards him and his hands slid around my body, holding me in place. 

Without thinking, I reached out and lightly traced the long scar up Keanu’s abdomen. His breathing hitched and he flexed slightly under my touch.   
I met those deep brown eyes and they were completely serious now, staring into mine with a question.   
I bit my lip at the intensity of his gaze and took in the rest of his ridiculously beautiful face, running a finger down that stubborn jawline with just a hint of bristle.   
He retaliated by touching my lips with one finger and then suddenly pinching the tip of my nose. 

“Hey!” I protested, and Keanu laughed and took advantage of my distraction to pull me closer, leaning back against the wall of the tiny bathroom with me pressed up against him.   
I lightly pinched his nipples as punishment and he laughed softly, leaning in and stopping just shy of a kiss. We breathed in synchronisation, inches apart, and we gazed searchingly at each other for a long moment. 

“What are we doing?” I whispered.   
“Holding each other,” he replied in a husky voice.   
Trust _Keanu-the-fucking-movie-star-Reeves_ to have an answer like that. 

I leaned in as if to kiss him but at the last moment I turned my head aside and grasped his ear lobe in my teeth. He breathed in sharply and I felt a twitch in his pants. 

He spun me around and trapped me so I was pressed up against the wall, lifting me slightly off my feet as we turned. The sudden movement made me breathless, and in that moment Keanu brought his warm lips to meet mine, gently at first and then with a growing fervency.   
I froze for second, my brain racing and then I thought - to hell with it - and answered his kiss with all the frustration of my pent up desire.   
I could feel him smile at that and he matched my kiss with a passionate energy that raised the hair on the back of my neck. 

His lips caressed the side of my jaw, my throat. I closed my eyes, every nerve alive with pleasure.   
All thoughts left my mind as I marvelled in the sensation of Keanu’s soft mouth, his tongue, his strong hands on the small of my back, holding me to his bare chest. I ran my fingers from his toned arms up through his ultra short hair, enjoying the prickle of it under my fingers and finding a sensitive spot on the back of his neck that made him moan. 

His hands tangled in my hair and he tugged my head back slightly, fully exposing my neck to his teasing mouth. He gently nipped his way down my neck, pulling aside my thin shirt and tugging playfully on my bra with his teeth, just over my nipple, which hardened immediately at his touch. 

I was breathing heavily as I slipped my shirt the rest of the way off, and he reached around behind me to remove my bra.   
“You’re so beautiful,” Keanu breathed, caressing me with his hands and taking me in with those sensuous eyes. I felt like I would melt into the floor. 

He pulled me close and we stayed there, breathing hard, bare chests tight together, his fingers making tiny circles on my back. I could feel his heart pounding in sync with mine.

After an eternal moment of simply holding each other, Keanu pulled back and regarded me softly. Something had changed in his face.   
“I don’t think we should do this,” he said in a quiet, apologetic tone.   
My mouth dropped open a little in shock.   
“It’s not that I don’t want to - oh god do I want to,” he promised, looking deep into my eyes. “But I leave for this shoot really soon and I don’t want to start something we can’t continue.” 

I tried to push down my disappointment. He was so infuriatingly _decent_. I looked to the side, searching for the right reply. Keanu gently turned my face back to his.   
“You’re just too important to mess around with,” he whispered.   
My heart leapt at that and I sighed. “We have been friends for an insanely long time,” I admitted. “That comes first for me too.”   
He smiled at me, relieved. 

“You’re going to meet a bunch of gorgeous actresses anyway,” I said, trying to be casual but hating the words. “You don’t want me holding you back.”   
Keanu frowned and pulled me close again. “We can pick up where we left off when I get back from filming.”   
He didn’t even know what a big deal he already was. I sighed. 

Once again Keanu leaned in for a lingering kiss. I pushed all other thoughts aside and savoured the softness of his lips, the warmth of his body, the clean scent of him.  
“Just do what you’ve gotta do, Ke,” I whispered. 

We leaned our foreheads together before releasing each other and stepping back.   
“I should go,” I said, slipping my bra and t-shirt back on and retrieving the camera.   
Keanu fixed me with a steady gaze that set my insides on fire, then shook his head a little. 

“Wait," he said suddenly, "I haven’t even asked you what you're up to. How long are you in LA?”  
“It was just for the long weekend actually. I’ve got to get back to NYC tomorrow. I uh… I have a meeting with a literary agent.”  
“Yes! Yes you fucking do!” Keanu shouted triumphantly, right in my face. That cleared the air somehow, and I ducked my head, pleased and embarrassed. 

“Well in that case, we've got to go out and celebrate. I want to hear all about it!”   
“Um, I feel like touring around Hollywood with Keanu Reeves is going to attract just a little bit of attention…”  
Keanu just grinned and slid on a pair of sunglasses that were lying next to the sink.  
“With this hair, who’s going to recognise me?” 

“I guess you’re right,” I laughed. “You might need a few more clothes though.”  
“Nah, I’m good,” Keanu said cheekily, starting down the stairs in nothing but the boxers and sunnies. “Let’s go, baby!”

What could I do but follow? I skipped lightly down the stairs after Keanu, still a little shaky but my heart full. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote this chapter first, after reading about how Keanu showed up to the set of Speed with a buzz cut, scaring the life out of the movie producers. It sounded like a great opportunity for a story... and some young Keanu hair cutting kink! Ha ha hope you enjoyed it!


	3. One Thousand Miles of Silence

We hadn’t spent much time together since everything happened. Since Keanu met Jennifer and that whole chain of events unfolded, shocking everyone with its undeserved cruelty. How could so much pain be inflicted on such a lovely person? For his part, Keanu dove headfirst into two Matrix sequels, shot simultaneously over 18 months, and the work continued unabated from there. I sensed he was avoiding dealing with grief by drowning himself in activity, and it took me a little while to figure out how to help. Bikes were often the key.

**April 2003**

_Ke, I have an idea._  
_Remember that Great Canadian Road Trip we used to talk about, back when I first got my little Honda, and you were trying to convince me to try off-road? Well, it’s time._  
_You need a break. A real one. You know you do._  
_I haven’t had a proper holiday in ages either and no one will miss me if I disappear for a month or so._  
_You don’t have to talk; you don’t have to do anything except give yourself some time. And if you do want to talk, I’ll listen._  
_What do you think?  
_ _X_

**May 2003**

_Sorry it’s take me so long to get back to you._  
_I love it. Yes. I’m in._  
_Sounds like an opportunity to get some new touring bikes. I’ll buy them in NYC and we can ride them back to mine via - all of southern Canada?_  
_Speaking of which - I’m upstate now wrapping up filming for Something’s Gotta Give. Will swing by before I head back to LA and we can plan._  
_Talk soon.  
_ _X_

*

Keanu did come by, bringing two brand-new, custom Harley-Davidson Electra Glides with him. My jaw nearly hit the ground. He told me to practice riding and breezed out again with only the barest of plans for a trip towards the end of summer. He was brimming with so much post-shoot enthusiasm that I thought maybe I had misread the situation and he was coping a lot better than I thought.

But the man who turned up on my doorstep again a couple of months later was not the Keanu I remembered. He met my eyes with a tired smile, brows slightly drawn together from strain. He was too pale, with a hint of bluish circles under his eyes. His hair was sticking out at slightly wild angles, the way it always did when he was growing it, and a thin five o’clock shadow covered his cheeks. Heaviness permeated his being, and the first thing I did was pull him in for a hug and say, “What have you done to yourself, kid?”  
He was stiff and silent for a minute and then quietly confided, “These days I don’t do too well when I’m not working.”

And that was all it took for him to turn back into my ‘little bro’ who couldn’t always look after himself. I’d brought him inside, fed him dinner and sent him to bed, insisting that the next morning was soon enough to start prepping the bikes. He didn’t fight me on that, and I fell asleep knowing I’d made the right choice in organising the trip.

The next morning, we chatted about our plans as we packed the bikes. Keanu seemed more like himself as he helped me balance the weight of my bags and explained all the features I hadn’t noticed about the new Harleys. They were gorgeous, an absolute dream to ride, and as we kicked off and headed north, some of the tension seemed to work its way out of Keanu’s shoulders.

We barely spoke a word for the first thousand miles or so, other than to talk about the day’s riding, what we were going to have for dinner, whether we were setting up tents or checking into a hotel for the night. I left Keanu thoroughly alone with his thoughts, as promised, but as time went on he seemed to withdraw further and further into himself, and I started to think I was going to have to get him talking whether he liked it or not.

* 

We’d been riding for hours when the storm caught up with us. Huge thunderheads chased us along the highway for the better part of the day before our luck finally ran out. We were somewhere in rural Ontario, far from any identifiable shelter, when the sky opened up. In an instant, visibility went from good to non-existent, as water fell in thick sheets and cut the temperature in half.

I cast my eyes warily around for Keanu’s bike, not wanting to run up the back of him by mistake, and could just make out the faint beam of his tail light up ahead. He turned back for a second, checking on me too, then he was gone, virtually invisible though probably only several metres away. The occasional flash of lightning set my pulse racing and I couldn’t stop myself imagining the bike suddenly skidding along the road with me under it. I desperately wanted to pull over but I couldn’t see where the asphalt stopped and the trees began.

We rode blind for what felt like an eternity, the rain pounding like tiny bullets against every part of my body, and coating my visor so I could hardly see. There was a weird moment where I felt as though we had crossed into some other dimension, speeding ahead into oblivion with no other choice but to go on and on. 

Finally, the clouds lifted and we were able to pull off to the side of the road. I was so relieved, I almost dropped the bike in my haste to get off. Keanu was beside me in a heartbeat, helping me park the bike and pull my helmet and dripping wet jacket off.

A wave of adrenaline surged through me and I let out a loud whoop, leaping up and pumping the air with my fist.  
“That was INSANE,” I shouted, spinning around to face Keanu. “Oh MAN, I could not see a THING - I thought I’ve got to just keep riding into the darkness and trust that the road is gonna be there when...”  
My smile died as Keanu pulled his helmet off and I saw the haunted look on his face, his skin deathly white.

“Oh, hey... are you ok?” My exuberance immediately switched to concern. “What happened? Are you hurt?”  
Keanu gave a strangled laugh at that. “No, I’m not hurt.”  
He stared fiercely at the entrance to a trail near the road, his mind clearly racing. I reached a hand out but he shook his head and mumbled, “Please don’t.”  
I let my hand fall back to my side and suddenly Keanu took off, stalking down the trail and disappearing from sight.

I cast a confused glance at our gear, and at the two most beautiful bikes I’d ever had the privilege to lay eyes on (let alone ride), before deciding it was unlikely that anyone would come along just at that moment to steal them. Completely baffled, I followed Keanu as he charged down the trail.

When I caught up with him, he was crouched by the edge of a deep pool, staring blankly at a nearby waterfall, his fists clenched so tight in his hair that I thought he might yank it out. I hovered some distance away, giving him privacy while he dealt with whatever was running through his mind. 

Within a few minutes, the sun broke through the clouds and lifted the temperature significantly. Keanu suddenly moved to sit on the ground, untying his boots and pulling them off, along with his damp socks, which he hurled to the side in a pile. His t-shirt hit the ground next, and his heavy, rain-sodden jeans. Left with nothing but lightweight underwear, he waded into the water and dove beneath the surface.

My mouth fell open in surprise as Keanu swam towards the falls without a backwards glance and disappeared behind the heavy curtain of water.

I waited for a while and eventually thought - what the hell, I’m already soaked. I stripped off too, down to my sports bra and quick-dry pants, slipping in gingerly and gasping as the icy water hit my belly. I swam furiously in circles for a minute while my body temperature adjusted, and then it was pure bliss to lay floating on my back, gazing up at the thick cumulonimbus as they raced away towards the horizon. I wondered what Keanu was doing behind the waterfall but I knew better than to follow him. Whatever he was wrestling with was clearly not something I should intrude on.

It astonished me how quickly the weather changed from summer storm back to hazy heat once again. From the silence immediately after the rain, birdcalls started up again, and strong sunlight returned the landscape to the lush, vibrant palette I so love about my home state. I lost all sense of time, drifting lazily in the water and feeling like I was eight years old again, on holiday with my family. I practiced my somersaults and handstands and when Keanu finally swam up beside me I almost jumped out of my skin. He chuckled at my shock and I let out a little breath of relief to see him smile.

We swam around together for a while, ducking in and out of the waterfall, splashing each other and generally descending into childish nonsense. Melancholy bleakness was still radiating off Keanu in waves and all I could think to do was invent one silly, mindless game after another, drawing him out of his head and back into the present. 

I had a moment of weakness when I noticed the late afternoon sun had turned Keanu’s dark eyes a rich caramel colour. He was so beautiful and sad, it almost physically hurt not to reach out and touch him. But it had been years since anything even vaguely romantic had happened between us, and the whole point of the trip was to be here as a friend to help Keanu heal. I tore my eyes away from his glistening wet skin, soft eyes and endearingly wild hair and started swimming resolutely back to the shore.

Later that evening, when we’d retrieved the bikes and set up camp for the night, Keanu finally opened up. I was furiously scribbling ideas down for a new novel. Being out in nature, and especially doing something meditative like riding all day, was perfect for creative flow.  
Keanu, considerate as ever, waited until I set my notebook aside with a sigh before breaking the silence. 

“How’s it coming along?”  
I looked up, a little stunned that he was making casual conversation.  
“Oh, well… I’m still at the ideas dump stage - everything is pouring out but I won’t know until later if it’s any good.”   
“I’m sure it will be.”  
I smiled appreciatively at him and he leaned back, wriggling his toes next to the fire, his bare feet sticking out of old frayed jeans. Keanu almost always dressed casually, but he was embracing the full ‘homeless guy’ look whenever we stopped to camp. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been very talkative so far,” he said suddenly.  
“You don’t have to apologise - that was the plan,” I assured him, and he sighed, running a hand through his damp hair.  
“You’ve always been so great about that. I feel like I’ve done nothing but talk lately, especially with all the publicity for The Matrix. And that’s usually regurgitating the same inane responses over and over. Anyway it’s been amazing not to worry about words for a while. So... well, not sorry but thanks I guess,” he decided.  
“You’re welcome,” I chuckled.

“It’s been so long since we caught up properly though,” he said, shaking his head. “Tell me about your book.”  
“Oh well, speaking of not speaking,” I grimaced, “I don’t like to talk too much about my stories in the early stages. It kind of fucks with the flow.”  
Keanu nodded thoughtfully.

“I _can_ tell you this one has needed a lot more research than usual though. Some of my characters are military, so I’ve been getting a lot of help from a soldier friend of a friend. His name’s Craig – lovely guy, and he’s done some writing himself so he knows the right amount of detail to go into without overwhelming me.”  
Keanu winked knowingly at me. “Lovely guy huh?”  
“Oh come on, that’s the only part you heard?” I rolled my eyes.  
“Just a polite enquiry,” he teased.   
“Well, yep. Lovely guy. He’s serving currently so I don’t see him very often. And that’s about all I have to say about Craig, I’m afraid.” I replied firmly.  
Keanu just gave me a meaningful look, which was absolutely infuriating.

He stretched out fully, enjoying the warmth from the fire, muttering something about “lovely, lovely Craig” under his breath. I groaned in irritation, ripping my wet socks off our makeshift clothesline and throwing them at his head.  
He ducked but one hit him full in the face anyway, and that started a ridiculous battle of damp, smelly clothes that had us both giggling like idiots.

Eventually we calmed down and sat together watching the ever-changing patterns of the flames against the deep purple sky. When the silence grew comfortable, I asked gently, “So, do you want to tell me what happened today?”  
Keanu sighed, his head falling into his hands for a minute.  
“I don’t know... yes?”  
“Only if it helps,” I added hastily.  
  
He smiled sadly at me and gazed off into the darkness for so long that I thought he wasn’t going to answer at all. When he did, his voice had dropped to a low whisper.  
“Honestly? I was scared that you were going to die.”  
“What?” I asked in astonishment. “Why would I be going to die?”  
Another endless pause.  
“Sometimes I feel like everyone I care about is taken away from me,” Keanu said quietly, kneading his fingers together again and again.  
I met his eyes, not saying anything, waiting for him to continue.

“River...” Keanu’s eyes dropped as he spoke the name. Another pause. A shaky breath.  
“Ava and Jennifer...” his voice broke and he steeled himself to continue.  
“My sister came close, so many times...” His voice grew hoarse and so low I could barely make out the words.  
“Everyone I love is... marked.”  
My heart skipped a beat.  
“Everyone you... love?” I asked faintly.  
“Yes,” he replied softly, his eyes distant. “Sometimes I’m afraid to even think of calling someone a friend, let alone...” He trailed off. “It just seems like...”  
I waited.  
“It seems like I’m... cursed.” He looked over at me sharply, embarrassment plain on his face.  
“I can understand that,” I said quietly.  
He nodded once, clearly relieved that I didn’t think he was crazy. His eyes grew pensive again.

“When we rode through the storm today, I thought for sure I was going to run off the road and slam into the trees. I thought maybe death had come for me, and I didn’t mind that so much, but then I realised it might be for you and...”  
Keanu broke off suddenly. “Anyway, I really shouldn’t dwell on it. Sometimes I think I’m losing my mind.”

He looked so forlorn that I had to throw my arms around him then. He barely moved when I hugged him but I held him tight, my chin pressing into his shoulder, just waiting. I counted 23 little sparks that leapt up from the fire and disappeared into the night, before at last Keanu hugged me back, heaving out a huge sigh and burying his face in my hair.  
We sat there for a long time, so long that we started breathing in unison, and a little tingly feeling started in my chest that I tried to ignore.

“You smell like the lake,” Keanu muttered, his mouth close to my neck, making me shiver. I covered my reaction with a look of mock outrage.  
“Oh, and I suppose you think you smell better?” I shot back, slapping him lightly on the arm.  
“I didn’t say it was a bad thing,” he grinned.  
I laughed at that, and let the moment pass me by.

We stayed up late that night, talking about everything except what he’d started to say earlier. Everything except the one thing I wanted to ask.

Much later, I dreamt we were back at the waterfall, and instead of swimming away from Keanu, this time I reached out and caressed his cheek. I ran my hands through his hair, slid them down his strong back, and further down. We let the cool water strip the world of sadness, soothe our tired muscles, and ease away our inhibitions. The dappled light and movement of the water made playful patterns on our skin, as our bodies found each other beneath the surface. The sparkle on the water reflected in Keanu’s sunlit caramel eyes, which squeezed shut in a moment of pure pleasure and release that matched my own.

I woke up next to the fire, shaken out of the dream so suddenly that the feeling of sharp loss left me dizzy. I realised we must have fallen asleep outside, and as I tried to reorient myself, Keanu half woke up behind me. He can’t have been fully conscious because he drew me in to his chest protectively, snuggling against my back with a tiny snore. After what I had just dreamt, it was pure torture to have him pressed so close against me.

An eternity later, he turned over so we were back to back. I got up and hastily escaped into my tent. Thankfully, I had no more dreams that night.

When I woke in the morning, Keanu was already packing the bikes, the kettle simmering on our little camp stove. He gave me a cheery good morning and my heart swelled to see how much better he looked. I didn’t ask if he realised he’d held me in his sleep.

*

The rest of the trip was much less eventful, and from what I could sense, very healing for both of us. There were all the usual stresses of a long road trip – aching muscles; uncomfortable camp sites and weird hotels; feeling every single temperature change keenly as we rode through it on the bikes. But we came away with a new reverence for Canada, both of us filled to bursting with the beauty of the mountains, the animals and the land.

We made it to LA just as the trees turned fully to red and gold. Keanu and I parted ways with a restored friendship and a long-awaited sense of peace.

**The Poet with His Face in His Hands**  
Mary Oliver

 _You want to cry aloud for your_  
_mistakes. But to tell the truth the world_  
_doesn’t need anymore of that sound._

 _So if you’re going to do it and can’t_  
_stop yourself, if your pretty mouth can’t_  
_hold it in, at least go by yourself across_

 _the forty fields and the forty dark inclines_  
_of rocks and water to the place where_  
_the falls are flinging out their white sheets_

 _like crazy, and there is a cave behind all that_  
_jubilation and water fun and you can_  
_stand there, under it, and roar all you_

 _want and nothing will be disturbed; you can_  
_drip with despair all afternoon and still,_  
_on a green branch, its wings just lightly touched_

 _by the passing foil of the water, the thrush,_  
_puffing out its spotted breast, will sing_  
_of the perfect, stone-hard beauty of everything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is - the poem and the chapter that inspired the name of this little fic. It's not as lighthearted as the previous chapters, but Keanu has had a pretty brutal life and it didn't feel right to leave that out entirely. Plus I wanted to give these characters a chance for some meaningful friendship-development before we get back to the fun times. 
> 
> Side note: Mary Oliver is amazing and if you haven't gotten into her poetry yet, you should!


	4. Like Coming Home

**Sunday evening, December 22, 2013**

My breathing hitched and I stumbled slightly over my reading as a familiar pair of eyes winked at me from behind one of the book cases.  
“Uh...” I looked down at the page and picked up where I’d left off. I doubt many people would have noticed. But beneath what I hope was a fairly contained exterior, my heart was suddenly racing.

Why was he here? Why now, after so many years and what felt like an entire lifetime apart did he decide to show up here, at my book launch, lurking behind the shelves? Knowing Keanu’s ever-considerate nature, and the extreme effect he tended to have on people, he was likely hiding so as not to detract any attention from me.

But there was no mistaking those kind, serious, gently smouldering eyes as he listened to me read. He clearly wanted me to know he was there, and I tried to focus only on the task at hand while ignoring the real question: why was my heart thumping so madly at the sight of those eyes?

I finished the excerpt from my book and fielded questions for about 10 minutes. Then it was time for the signing. Nearly half an hour passed before I reached the end of the line of fans and well-wishers, and I tried to enjoy the compliments and genuinely insightful comments about my writing, all the while wondering where Keanu had hidden himself and when he would make a proper appearance.

As the bells on the door of my bookshop jangled behind the last few people heading out into the snow, a tall, rugged-looking Keanu in a long black jacket, black jeans and brown riding boots stepped out from the shadows at the back of the store and caught me up in a warm hug. He lifted me slightly off my feet, his long hair tickling my nose and his jacket smelling slightly of wood smoke. Where had he come from in New York City to be smelling of log fires and the outdoors?

Weirdly, my eyes started prickling and when he drew back to look at my face I could see his eyes narrow slightly in alarm as a tear trickled down my cheek. He gently brushed it away with his thumb.  
“Hey, what’s happening? Are you ok?” he asked, clearly concerned.  
I laughed and tried to shake the feeling off.  
“I uh... well, honestly, it’s just so unexpected but - I mean it’s really nice to see you...” I trailed off in embarrassment.  
What was going on? I was a 45-year-old grown woman, with a daughter no less, but something about Keanu took me right back to our time together when we were both unimaginably young. It suddenly felt like coming home.

He smiled a little sadly at me. “I waited too long, I know,” he said. “I’m sorry about that.”  
What was _that_ supposed to mean?

I put the question aside and took him in as we gazed at each other, marking the changes that the years had wrought.  
Time had certainly been kind to Keanu. The few wrinkles around his eyes gave him a gravitas that was entirely captivating. The sadness that had often plagued him seemed to have abated, leaving behind a more thoughtful expression in his eyes, but with the familiar light and humour behind them that the years could not dim. His voice had a gravelly tone to it now that was, frankly, quite intoxicating. His beard was as patchy as ever, with a fair bit of grey sprinkled in, but how it was possible to still have such impressively lush hair at the age of 49, I did not know.

“You grew your hair again,” I said, when the silence had stretched a little too long. I reached out a hand to run my fingers through it. The texture was different than I remembered, but no less pleasurable to touch.  
“It’s for a film we just finished shooting - two days ago actually,” he laughed. “And you cut yours,” he said, lifting a hand to tousle my short pixie cut, just like he used to 30 years earlier in our theatre days.  
I ran a hand through it, suddenly self conscious. “Uh yeah...” I paused, unsure whether to say it. “When Craig died.” I finished quietly, and cleared my throat.

His face fell immediately at that and he was clearly searching for the right words.  
I had cut my hair when my husband was killed in action five years earlier and never grown it out again. I quite liked the freedom of short hair, but there hadn’t been anyone I cared about looking at me since then.  
_Until now_ , a dangerous voice whispered in my head.  
Keanu sighed. “I’m so sorry. I heard what happened and that’s why it took me so long to come find you again.” He paused, staring out the window at the falling snow. “I hope you don’t mind that I came now. We’ve lived whole lifetimes since we saw each other last.”

“I don’t mind at all,” I said warmly, placing my hand in his. It felt like the thing to do. “Maybe we should go for a walk and catch up properly.”  
He smiled at me, and my heart swelled at the kindness in his gaze. All traces of ego seemed to have been melted away by the years, and I couldn’t deny it felt wonderful to have my friend back after all this time. My extremely handsome friend.  
I pushed that thought aside with a chuckle at my inner teenage self, apparently alive and well.

“Let’s go,” Keanu said softly. I grabbed my big winter coat from the rack next to the door and we stepped outside, our feet crunching a little on the snowy pavement. I locked the bookstore and checked my watch. Almost 11pm. New York never sleeps, but it was Sunday night and I was hoping my tiny piece of Williamsburg would be quiet and dark enough at this hour for Keanu to walk around uninterrupted.

“Do you need to get home soon?” Keanu asked as we started to stroll.  
“No not at all - I planned to stay in the loft above the store tonight, have a bit of time to myself. I was just wondering if we’re likely to run into any of your fans at this hour.”  
“Seems as though we are just as likely to run into yours,” he pointed out, his face breaking into a proud grin. “Could you sign my copy by the way? I thought I’d better not join the queue inside earlier.”  
  
I raised an eyebrow as he pulled my book from his jacket and offered me a pen. “I hope you paid for that book, you punk.”  
He chuckled. “Let’s just say I borrowed it until things got a little quieter.”  
Shaking my head in mock disapproval, I thought to myself and then scribbled, _Thanks for being a long-time fan, Mr Reeves_ , and signed my name.  
“Fan?” he stuttered in mock offence. _“Mr Reeves?”_ What kind of a dedication is that, to your oldest and dearest friend?”  
I laughed so hard I snorted, which set Keanu off too.

We were so loud that a couple passing us on the street did a double take. I could see them starting to question whether they’d really just seen Keanu Reeves so I pulled us hastily around a corner and we made a run for it, slipping slightly on the melting snow.

We stopped by the water, panting in the cold air. Keanu turned to me, his eyes bright with the sudden exercise, the city lights across the East River sparkling behind him. He looked ridiculously young for a moment, then his face settled back into a searching look.  
“So tell me what else I’ve missed... I haven’t even met your daughter.”  
“Yes, she’s almost six now - I can hardly believe it!” I chuckled.  
“I’d love to meet her. If she’s anything like you she’ll be brilliant.”  
“She is brilliant,” I smiled. “Her name is Gracie. Well, Grace. And it’s true - she has been a saving grace for me many times over the years, when I had nothing else.”

Keanu winced at that and dragged a hand over his face. “You’ve been through hell.”  
I met his eyes steadily. “You know how it is, Ke. Grief is always with you. It doesn’t end, only lessens in intensity.”  
He nodded with a pained look, waiting patiently for me to finish.  
“When Craig didn’t come back from Iraq, Gracie was just a year old. It was every army wife’s worst nightmare. Alone with a baby. I couldn’t believe it. And you know, for the longest time I actually couldn’t accept it. I kept thinking he would come home.”  
Keanu pulled me close then, wrapping me up in his strong arms and holding me tight. I stayed there for a long while, enjoying the feeling of being protected by Keanu - a new development in our relationship, and one that I definitely liked. The snow had stopped falling and it felt as though the city was holding its breath around us.

It was me who pulled back first. “Tell me about this film then,” I asked, continuing our wander through the icy air.  
Keanu shook his head and sighed out as though clearing a thought from his mind.  
“It’s called John Wick,” he began. “Oh, you know Chad and Dave?  
“The stunt guys from The Matrix?”  
“Yeah, they directed it!”  
“No way! So it’s action, I’m guessing?”  
“Very much so,” Keanu grinned.

“That explains why you’re still in reasonably good form after all this time,” I teased, squeezing one of Keanu’s arms and immediately ruining the joke as my eyes widened at how muscular it felt - even through a few winter layers.  
Keanu watched my face with amusement.  
“Are you calling me old?”  
“I’m calling us _both_ old,” I laughed.  
“Well, this old dog is very much enjoying getting back into martial arts. I don’t know how the film will be received but we sure had fun putting it together.”

“It’s exactly the same with writing. Sometimes I go in thinking it’s a winner and it all comes unravelled in the process.” I sighed. “But I think I’d die if I stopped, so I just keep going.”  
“Writing to hold back death?”  
“That’s it.”  
“Sounds just like Baudelaire. Don’t tell me you became a dirty bohemian after all.” He raised one eyebrow at me in mock consternation.  
“I most certainly did, and I have no regrets on that front.”  
Keanu grinned. “I’m glad to hear it. To tell you the truth, I’ve always been jealous of your life in theatre and books. Another version of me would have taken that road.”  
“Another version of me would have been a film director,” I mused.  
“Hey, it’s not too late!” He shot back.  
“That’s true.”

We smiled comfortably at each other, having fully reverted back to our old familiarity. We walked for hours through the snowy streets, talking about everything, and nothing, the city for once remarkably quiet.

Eventually we found ourselves back outside the bookstore. Keanu turned to me, his face inscrutable in the dim streetlights.  
“We were filming on the other side of Williamsburg a few days ago. I knew your store was here somewhere and I kept expecting you’d appear around a corner,” Keanu said softly.  
“Really?” I asked in a small voice.  
“But when you didn’t, I knew I had to come find you instead.”  
My cheeks warmed at that and a bit of a nervous flutter started in my chest.

“Hey let’s go inside,” I said abruptly, “It’s freezing out here!”  
I opened the door to the bookstore and Keanu followed me in, both of us removing our jackets and shaking the snow from our boots. I led the way up to my little loft on the second floor, lighting the lamps and getting the heater going. It wasn’t much but it was my refuge from the world when I needed a night without Gracie. Up here I could completely focus on my writing and escape from reality for a while.

“Would you like a whisky?” I lifted the decanter and started to pour two glasses, as Keanu perched his tall frame on the tiny sofa.  
“Of course,” Keanu said, “Thank you.”  
But when I sat down beside him on the couch he put his whisky aside untasted and took my hands in his own.  
I met his eyes and immediately looked away from the intensity there. It was overwhelming. My heart started to pound.  
“I need to tell you something,” he said gruffly, his voice sinking very low.  
I was afraid, though I hardly knew why. Keanu very gently turned my chin back so that I met his pained gaze.  
“Please,” he whispered, and I nodded silently, swallowing.

He took a deep breath and sighed it out slowly.  
“I have regretted... deeply... for _years_ now that I was not there for you after Craig died the way you were for me after Jennifer.”  
My chest tightened. I didn’t know what to say to that.  
“You... you basically saved my life. That road trip - I was trying to smother my grief with work and it was never going to happen. You came in and pulled me out of the darkness. You were there when I needed someone most. And then when you needed me to do the same I... I was a coward. And I owe you an apology. I owe you so much more than that. I’ve been a terrible friend.”  
I was shaking my head, trying to find the words to reassure him but he wouldn’t let me.  
“No, please, hear me out.” Keanu’s voice was strangled.

“I wanted to give you space at first, but then I was just scared. I didn’t know how to go back to that place, with the grief. I didn’t know how to sit with you in it, because I spent too long staring at my own loss, and I was so damn afraid I wouldn’t be able to climb back out of the hole.” He looked away for a moment and then back to me. I was horrified to see tears in his eyes. “I chose me over you and I have not been able to forgive myself for that.”  
Keanu’s voice dwindled to a throaty whisper and I clamped my hand over his mouth, unable to hear any more.

“Stop, please!” I gasped. “You can’t say these things. It’s not like that at all. I would never expect...” I scrambled for words. “You had a life, I had a life - you don’t owe me anything Ke.”  
“But that’s just it,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “We’ve had so much time together, so many chances, and I didn’t take any of them. I want to owe you. I want to be responsible for you. I...”  
He paused, and my heart was booming so violently I thought it would explode from my chest as he hesitated.  
“I love you,” he said, quietly, but with the force of his whole being in those words.

There was a roaring sound in my ears and I felt like I was going to pass out.  
Keanu grabbed at me suddenly as I wobbled.  
“Hey whoa, are you alright?”  
I was struck utterly speechless, and I sat there for a full minute with him holding me upright, my mind racing, staring back at him in confusion.  
He was scanning my face anxiously and when I didn’t respond he started babbling again.  
“I just hope I haven’t hurt you too badly. I should have said this a long time ago. I should have told you on our trip. But you got together with Craig so soon afterwards, and then you were pregnant and then... well I didn’t want to be disrespectful.”

My mind finally sorted out what he was saying, what I was feeling, and I stared up at Keanu wordlessly with an incredulous joy that he read immediately on my face. His eyes lit up with a wild hope and at last, words returned to me.  
“Keanu, I love you too. Of course I do. I did for a long time before... I just didn’t... I didn’t think you’d ever...”

Keanu’s lips were suddenly crushed against mine, his hands clasping me to him so tightly it almost hurt. I gasped at the sudden contact, before relaxing into the kiss as tears rushed down my face.  
He pulled back quickly at that, a bit alarmed. “Please tell me if this is not ok.”  
My tears immediately turned to laughter. “I think you broke my brain,” I joked through my confusion. “But it’s definitely ok.”

His eyes alight, he kissed me again, longer this time, and so fervently that we were both soon pulling away for breath. We took a second to process what was happening, panting. I downed my whisky in one and Keanu followed suit.  
“Well,” I said hoarsely, still recovering from shock. “Alrighty then.”

He laughed at that, a hearty sound full of relief, and we leaned in to hug each other close for a long time.  
Eventually I leaned over to pour us two more whiskies. As I did, Keanu pressed a soft kiss to my neck. I smiled and kept pouring, and he continued to place chaste little kisses on every bit of me that he could reach.

I offered him a whisky and we both sipped, taking our time, our eyes meeting over the glasses.  
“So what happens now?” I asked quietly, a little breathless as I posed the question.  
“What happens now?” Keanu repeated slowly, “That is entirely and one hundred percent up to you.” He paused, then his voice dropped down to a low rumbling tone that made my thighs tremble. “I can tell you what I would like to happen now.”

I blushed a deep red and in response I leaned over to unzip my boots and pull my socks off, dropping both to the floor, before turning back to look at him with a sheepish grin.  
Keanu let out a surprised, happy little chuckle and his brown leather boots clunked across the floor next to mine.

He gazed at me then with so much hunger in his eyes that my breath caught in my chest. For a second I felt dizzy again. It is unnerving to be regarded with such raw emotion. We sat there on the knife edge of change, weighing the pleasure of the moment against the knowledge we were about to alter our relationship permanently. 

Then Keanu lifted his sweater and t-shirt off in one smooth movement, clearly offering to be the first vulnerable one. I took him in - muscular shoulders and arms, tanned skin still ridiculously smooth, with just a few extra dips and folds. A bit more hair on his chest, though it was still very sparse, with some grey mixed in just like his beard. A pleasantly soft belly, but when I pressed my hands gently to it, he was firm and strong underneath the little layer of fat. I enjoyed these changes immensely. He seemed more substantial, more real - less untouchably perfect. I leaned in and gently kissed Keanu’s familiar scar, then kissed my way down his belly stopping just above the line of his jeans.

When I sat up again Keanu’s lips had parted a little in eagerness. I reached up to grab fistfuls of his long hair, and bit gently at the crease of his neck, his beard rough against my lips.  
He brought his mouth to mine and drank me in deeply, his hands gently cradling my face, biting my bottom lip as we pulled apart.

I lifted my arms and Keanu eased my sweater up slowly and sensuously over my head, his knuckles lightly grazing my bare skin all the way up. He kissed my neck, my soft belly, the top of each breast in turn. Nothing in his face indicated disappointment, despite how the years - and the birth of a child - had altered my body. I saw only love and desire in his eyes. 

As I turned to let him undo my bra, he pulled me back into his lap, his hands moving around to massage my breasts.   
“I’m not as young as I was,” I whispered, feeling a little self conscious.  
“You’re exquisite,” he murmured in my ear, raising goosebumps on my neck. He kissed the goosebumps and as I arched my neck back with pleasure, he ran his fingers slowly through my hair. It was all so soft and sweet that I was melting into him, my whole body stirring into flames.

After a few minutes of caressing each other gently with this golden sweetness, Keanu eased me off his lap. He unbuckled his belt and his jeans and briefs hit the floor with a little crunch of belt buckle against wood. He stepped out of them and I marvelled for a moment that he was really standing there in my little loft, naked and gorgeous and somehow, suddenly, mine. 

Keanu drew me up, his eyes soft and heavy-lidded with desire. I started to undo my pants but he surprised me, sweeping me off my feet and laying me gently on the bed. I laughed and he pressed his lips to my belly teasingly, before reaching down to slide my pants and underwear off and letting them drop to the floor.

He was straddled over me a moment later, and I slid my hand down to palm his growing length, which immediately hardened in my hand.  
He pulled back however, and whispered in my ear, “You first, sweetheart.”

Keanu’s tongue darted into my ear, making me inhale sharply. He licked and tenderly bit his way down my neck to suck on each of my nipples in turn. His beard and long hair tickled my skin as he explored my body, finding all the places that made me shiver.

When my legs started to tremble uncontrollably, Keanu’s hands made their way slowly but surely up my inner thighs. He stroked the soft down of my pussy, searching for the most sensitive spots to tease. I was soon soaking wet and throbbing with an intense need for him, but he stopped just shy of placing his fingers inside me. Every nerve in my body was tingling with stimulation and eagerness.

“Is this ok?” he asked with a mischievous smile.  
“Oh god, please don’t stop,” I whispered, all capacity to think having been wrested from me by his sensuous fingers.  
Keanu started massaging little circles around my clit and my breathing grew heavy. I closed my eyes, utterly lost in the sensations he was creating. Finally he pushed his fingers fully inside me, wrecking my pulsing nerves with little jerks of his fingers. I was squirming around, burning up from his touch and the nearness of him.  
“I need your tongue,” I begged, already close to losing it.

Keanu moved down and after an agonising pause I felt his tongue lightly touch me. My muscles gave a violent pulse and I drew in a ragged breath. He licked me again, his beard lightly grazing my inner thighs, and colours exploded behind my eyes.  
“Please…” I whimpered, and he grinned wickedly to see me so undone.  
Finally, his tongue was inside me. The sensations were heavenly and I barely lasted half a minute with his lovely face between my legs before I came harder than I ever had in my life.

Keanu sat up to look at me, clearly pleased with himself, as my body convulsed with the last shockwaves of orgasm. My mouth was open with the shock of so much stimulation and he kissed me, long and hard, sharing the taste of me, then pulled me in close and held me as we lay across my bed, both breathing heavily. Warmth pooled through my body and I savoured the feeling of him strong and soft at my back. 

After a minute, I recovered enough to push myself up and look over at Keanu. It was hard to believe that he was really there, splayed naked across my bed, his hair a delicious mess and his eyes caressing me lazily. 

“That was…” I couldn’t find any words, and he laughed softly.  
“You’re welcome.”  
I touched my finger to his swollen lips, before pushing it all the way into his mouth. He sucked on my finger and gazed back at me, naked desire in his eyes. I felt my own desire stir again deep in my core.  
“I believe it’s your turn,” I murmured.

His eyes lit up hungrily but he leaned over to grasp the bottle of whisky. “First some sustenance.”  
I chuckled as he refilled our glasses and we knocked another round of shots back.  
“Sex and whisky, I could get used to this,” I joked.  
“I certainly hope so,” Keanu rumbled in that low, gravelly bass of his and my legs were suddenly shaky again.

Without waiting for permission, I leaned down and took him fully in my mouth, and Keanu moaned with the shock of sudden pleasure. He tangled his fingers in my hair and gently guided me up and down as I took in as much as I could of his length. It wasn’t usually my thing but hearing Keanu’s groans and soft curses was more than enough reward. His fingers tightened, tugging my hair so hard it almost hurt, which awoke a soft pulsing between my legs again.

Keanu’s hips started to convulse and he pushed me back onto the bed, urgent now, and fully in charge as he parted my legs around him.  
“That’s all the teasing I can take, love,” he growled.  
I slid my hands up his firm chest and around to the back of his neck, massaging the spot I knew was the most sensitive. He gasped and entered me swiftly, pausing to let me adjust to the size of him inside me.  
“You’re so tight,” he panted, his eyes falling shut. “Oh god, you feel so good.”

“It’s been a long time,” I sighed, but it only took a moment, still wet and open as I was, to relax into the feeling of him filling me completely.  
“It’s been a long time for me too,” he admitted, starting to rock against my hips, and I felt my muscles clench again and again as Keanu built up our rhythm quickly.

“I find that extremely hard to believe,” I muttered, as he thrust deeply inside me, unlocking waves of pleasure that resonated through my whole body. My muscles were pulsing intensely around Keanu, and we met each other beat for beat, eyes locked on one another as we breathed together in synchronicity.  
With all the heat we had generated in my tiny room, we were both sweating, our hands slipping on each other’s bodies. I could smell him now, a subtle but earthy scent that was entirely delicious.

As he leaned over to kiss me, his now-damp hair kept falling in my face. I pushed it back several times, finally opting to hold it out of the way behind his head.  
We both cracked up laughing, the mood lightening for a moment.  
“Oh well,” Keanu chuckled, “John Wick is in post now so I can cut it all off.”  
“Don’t you dare!” I exclaimed, tilting my hips to a new angle and earning a deep moan of pleasure from Keanu as a reward.  
“I knew it!” He exclaimed between breaths. “All this time, you only liked me for my damn hair.”  
“You caught me,” I chuckled and gave it a sharp tug behind his neck, which won me another gasp from Keanu. 

“Are you sure? You could help me out.” He grinned impishly, his eyes searching mine. “I seem to recall you enjoyed playing hairdresser last time...”  
Heat rose in my cheeks. “You remember that?”  
“I definitely remember the most unexpectedly sensual haircut of my life, yes. And a stunning, half-naked woman in my bathroom. It took every bit of strength I had to run out of there before we destroyed a perfectly good friendship.”  
“Is that what we’re doing now?” I teased.  
“I certainly hope so,” Keanu growled close to my ear.

I smacked his ass playfully and his pace quickened. Noting that, I slapped him again, a little harder this time. This drew Keanu’s eyes to my own with a fierceness that took my breath away. He felt so good under my hands, and I squeezed his ass tightly to bring him closer, wrapping my legs around his back.

His gaze held me transfixed, his eyes almost black as we started to fall apart. It was happening fast now, both of us too excited to hold back any longer, and we shuddered and gasped our way to almost mutual climax. I came just before he did, but it was only moments until I felt that sweet moment of release fill me and Keanu slumped forward a little, having spent the fullness of his passion in me. 

A shudder ran over my skin all the way up to my hairline. The intensity of what we had just shared shook me to my core. When Keanu eased himself off me, breathing hard, I think he saw that I was unnerved and pulled me tight against his bare chest as our muscles relaxed.  
“I love you,” he promised again, and I heard the truth in it.  
“I fucking love you too,” I replied vehemently. “And I love fucking you,” I added, to which Keanu laughed loudly.  
“I can assure you the feeling is mutual,” he told me in that deep husky voice that I was beginning to adore.

“I think we’re going to need some more practice though,” I said solemnly. “That did not last nearly as long as I would like.”  
“Oh don’t worry, there’s a lot more I want to do with you, lover...” Keanu murmured, running his hand lightly across my cheek. “That was just a practice run.”  
“Hell of a practice though, kid,” I admitted, and he grinned deviously at me at the sound of his old nickname.

We relaxed back into the bed and I curled up with my head on his chest, listening to his heart beating and his breathing gradually evening out.  
“Hey what are you doing for Christmas?” I asked, suddenly aware he might be alone in NYC.  
“Nothing yet,” Keanu replied, drawing little shivers from me as his fingers made patterns on my bare skin.  
I pushed myself up to look into his eyes. “How would you feel about coming over to meet Gracie?”

His deep brown eyes grew softer than I’d ever seen them.  
“That sounds absolutely perfect.”

He leaned down to kiss me then, so delicately, and wrapped me tight in his arms. The warmth of him and the blissful release in my muscles started to lull me to sleep. As I drifted off, my last thought was how right this all felt.

It was the most natural thing in the world to have my Keanu coming home with me at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it! It only took 30 years for them to get together haaa. But I wanted the chance to spend time with all the Keanus. What can I say? He's gorgeous at every age and I'm greedy!  
>   
> I may write an epilogue at some point if an idea comes to me.  
> Hope you enjoyed it! Many thanks for reading.


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